Post Spring Break ramblings

Wow, it has been a long time since I posted! I really enjoyed the comments people left here after my last post as well as all of the emails that came from it! I like hearing others points of view and learning about how others tick.

Anyway, over spring break we went to my parents house. They live way out in the middle of nowhere. We let the girls each bring a friend with them. We took our 4-wheelers out there with us as well. Between our two 4-wheelers, my dad's 4-wheeler, my dad's little circus bicycle, my mom's 3-wheel bicycle, and my mom's all terrain golf-cart - the girls were riding something continuously. I will post some pictures later. Some of them are quite hilarious.

J, my oldest daughter, finally got her MRI. Guess what? She has a stress fracture in her right tibia. What fun. The doc said to try to rest it and quit trying to "work through the pain" so much. What is funny is that she is leaving on Monday for a school trip near a beach where they will be participating in many tours as well as a scavenger hunt through the town. She gets back from there on Wednesday evening. School on Thursday. Then, on Friday, a school trip to a theme park (physics lessons in a fun setting.) So, I'm not seeing much rest coming to that tired little tibia.

She is rethinking her goals for gymnastics. She doesn't think she can get to the level needed for a college scholarship in time. This has always been her goal, so it is a little hard to see her struggling right now. She has had a tough year with competing a dual season and having some injuries. She is feeling kinda down right now. I'm hoping that since competition season is almost over - one more meet - she will get time to regroup and refocus. She loves gymnastics so much and she does not want to lose it. I told her that she does not have to get a college scholarship to be a considered a successful gymnast. Very few girls get to that level. However, many compete in the "amateur" side and do very well. She is debating on if she wants to just stay in the USAG side and just get as far as she can, or if she wants to stay in the AAU rec side of it. The skills are pretty much the same, but the judging is a little more lenient in the AAU side. Also, if she stayed in USA, there are 4 levels left to compete. In AAU, she is in the highest level there is (I believe.) She could add harder skills in AAU as she learned them, but would never move up a level. It is so much to think about.

M, my youngest daughter, will be trying out for team in a couple of weeks. She is very nervous about tryouts and the thought of competing. However, she has seen the myriad of benefits that have come to her sister from it; strong body, determination, endurance, prioritization, and most of all, an extremely strong bond with other girls that become like family.

Speaking of my girls, they both participated in something besides gymnastics this year!! :-) J. is in a Christian drama group in her school. This morning, they performed for the kindergartners.

M. participated on a web-design team and they just submitted their site to be judged. This morning, the web-design team was spotlighted at the elementary morning assembly. The web-design teacher called me this morning to tell us about it. She was going on a field trip with the kids in a different grade and could not be at the assembly. She asked if M. would mind getting up at the assembly and telling the elementary what their site was about, etc. She said that M. was such a leader on the team that she wanted her to get up and be the spokesperson! I was so proud! Interestingly enough, both girls were on two different stages on campus at the exact same time.

Even though things have been really stressful for all of us this first week back to school, I have enjoyed watching my girls rise to whatever occasion occurred. They are maturing so quickly that I often get tears in my eyes. Sometimes the tears are from watching them have to struggle with hard decisions, quick changes in plans, and being disappointed. Other times, though, the tears are from joy in the way they are handling these situations as well as seeing what kind of person they are developing into.

I am such a hands-on type mom that it is a little hard sometimes to see that they (especially my teenager) are getting to where they don't NEED me quite as much. I enjoy the difference in the relationships that comes from a desire to be with me rather than the utter dependence. It has left me feeling a little bereft at times though. I know that they will always need me - but it is just in a different way now. It is more of a guidance role now rather than a director. I like being the director. I like the control. :-) I know, though, that if a relationship stays with that dynamic, there is really no growth and no reward for either party. I'm doing my best to accept it and go on.

So, those of you with kids that are older, let me know how this process evolved with you. Those of you with kids that are younger, you are free to tell me that I am a psycho and that I need therapy. ;-)

Pics will be posted soon.

Revelation

Not sure how many of you go to church. If you do not, then this post may not be as meaningful to you as it is to me.



First off, I love our church and our minister. He seems to have a knack for saying what I need to hear. Let me set the stage.



For those of you that do not know me, I struggle periodically with depression. Some times it is so far in the background of my psyche that I almost forget about it. Other times, I feel as if it is an entity similar to a second personality that is trying to take over my entire being. It clouds my insight as well as my outlook. It can be a vicious cycle that makes you feel like a failure for not being able to get "it" together as well as everyone else seems to be able to do. Which causes you to set even higher expectations of yourself. Ones that cannot be met. When you fail to meet your new set of standards, you sink even lower.



I have always had a hard time wondering why I cannot be strong enough, Christian enough, etc. to not fall to this and to fail over and over again.



Well, this past Sunday, my minister pointed out that Paul had similar feelings. I have read this passage many times, but hearing it in a different version (The Message) made it "click" better for some reason. In Romans 7, Paul states:



"I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.



Okay, if Paul, who was one of the most amazing and influential people in the New Testament felt at the end of his rope at times, then maybe I'm not as much of a failure as I thought.



When I am mean to my kids, my spouse, and my friends; when I lose my temper; when I lie; when I speak bad of others; when I am un-supportive; when I SIN, I must remember that Jesus is the way to set things right. I cannot do it alone. When I feel as if I am the worst person on the planet, I must remember that Paul wondered at times if there was something wrong deep within himself.



I am thinking of making this my new mantra. Romans 7:15-25. Romans 7:15-25. I need to say it over and over in my head.



Hopefully by doing this, I can reach the next step. By agreeing that I have a problem and that I am a sinner, hopefully I can now begin to embrace the life that only HE can give.



I'm sorry for the theological post today. I hope that I do not offend anyone. My goal here is self-therapy at times. Today was definitely one of those times.



Thanks for reading!



I would love to hear any spiritual epiphanies that any of you have had.