Not sure how many of you go to church. If you do not, then this post may not be as meaningful to you as it is to me.
First off, I love our church and our minister. He seems to have a knack for saying what I need to hear. Let me set the stage.
For those of you that do not know me, I struggle periodically with depression. Some times it is so far in the background of my psyche that I almost forget about it. Other times, I feel as if it is an entity similar to a second personality that is trying to take over my entire being. It clouds my insight as well as my outlook. It can be a vicious cycle that makes you feel like a failure for not being able to get "it" together as well as everyone else seems to be able to do. Which causes you to set even higher expectations of yourself. Ones that cannot be met. When you fail to meet your new set of standards, you sink even lower.
I have always had a hard time wondering why I cannot be strong enough, Christian enough, etc. to not fall to this and to fail over and over again.
Well, this past Sunday, my minister pointed out that Paul had similar feelings. I have read this passage many times, but hearing it in a different version (The Message) made it "click" better for some reason. In Romans 7, Paul states:
"I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
Okay, if Paul, who was one of the most amazing and influential people in the New Testament felt at the end of his rope at times, then maybe I'm not as much of a failure as I thought.
When I am mean to my kids, my spouse, and my friends; when I lose my temper; when I lie; when I speak bad of others; when I am un-supportive; when I SIN, I must remember that Jesus is the way to set things right. I cannot do it alone. When I feel as if I am the worst person on the planet, I must remember that Paul wondered at times if there was something wrong deep within himself.
I am thinking of making this my new mantra. Romans 7:15-25. Romans 7:15-25. I need to say it over and over in my head.
Hopefully by doing this, I can reach the next step. By agreeing that I have a problem and that I am a sinner, hopefully I can now begin to embrace the life that only HE can give.
I'm sorry for the theological post today. I hope that I do not offend anyone. My goal here is self-therapy at times. Today was definitely one of those times.
Thanks for reading!
I would love to hear any spiritual epiphanies that any of you have had.
4 comments:
I've always loved that passage in Romans 7 because it just hits home. Check out the following poem by John Donne written in the 17th century -- when I taught it to my GAC students, I compared it to the Romans 7 passage and it really seemed to impact them.
Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town to'another due,
Labor to'admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly'I love you, and would be lov'd fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;
Divorce me,'untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you'enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
Pam, admitting that you often fall short of the mark set before you doesn't make you bad or evil...it just makes you human. Humans have been disappointing God since the days of Adam and Eve. We fall short of our own expectations and then assume that He will blame us because WE fill ourselves with self-blame. But, when we do this, I believe we are missing the true mark. God knew we would fall short, which is why He sent Jesus to live as a human, to give us an earthly example of God, and to sacrifice His earthly body/existence...to suffer for us on the cross...so that we are washed clean and made righteous. We cannot earn our righteousness.
I truly believe that all God wants from us is a relationship. He wants to hear from us regularly, in the good times and the bad times. He wants us to receive His promises and trust His Word. He wants us to know that we are loved beyond measure, not by our works, but by our faith and by our commitment to know Him, to honor Him, to surrender ourselves to Him. What God wants is US, blemishes and all. He wants us to see ourselves the way He sees us...with eyes of unconditional love. He wants us to acknowledge who He is inside us, and He wants us to live, speak, and act in ways that reflect the God in us. Our good is our God. When we invite Him into our hearts, we have that goodness become a part of our very being.
May I suggest that your intermittent bouts with depression are reflective of how you think about yourself, how you judge what you do and who you are, and how you keep raising the bar on yourself about your definition of success?
Sometimes I think the most difficult lesson I have learned in life is to love myself. To do that, I have to constantly see myself through His eyes and not my own. It isn't easy, but I constantly challenge myself to see me the way He must see me. When I have a thought that is negative, I ask myself if I could picture God saying that to me. If the answer is no, then I know the thought is a lie, and not the truth of who I am.
I don't know you, but I think writing reveals a lot about a person. That said, I can tell you are open, loving, honest, and compassionate. You welcome new people and new experiences in your life. And you want to grow. What more could God want for you than to be open to all that He intends for your life?????
Thanks for sharing.
Sue (www.caringbridge.org/visit/sueguenther)
Pam,
What you are experiencing is commonly called the "performance trap." This trap is based on the primary deception (that all of us tend to believe) that success will bring fulfillment and happiness. We try to measure up thinking that if we meet certain standards we would feel good about ourselves and when we fail we feel miserable about ourselves. This trap leads to perfectionism with perfectionists tending toward mood disorders like depression. God's answer to this lie based thinking and living is justification. God made Christ who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (2 Cor 5:21). The minute we accept Christ, God not only forgives us our sin but he attributes Christ's worth to us and we are fully pleasing to God. Now if you think of yourself differently than God thinks of you, who is mistaken, you or God?
To keep growing in this truth, this is what you should be repeating to yourself daily, not it's ok that I feel bad about myself because Paul did. Try the Bible study called "The Search for Significance" by Robert McGee. It will be life transforming.
Love you,
Kristin
there are may who look at you and wonder how you manage to do your 3 jobs, very sufficently raise your beautiful daughters, make a home,run a taxi, worship God, help others and still manage to smile and go on, when still you feel as though you are not done.
The Lord looks at you as you look at your children. When they make a mistake, you correct them, work it out, forgive them ,and they come to you with arms wide open with love for you. God does you the same way because you are one of his beautiful children.
it is so lonley to be depresed and sometimes I know you feel as though it may consume you.May your burdens get lighter and your heart gets warmer.You are loved.
Post a Comment